Sportin' the Muffin Top

I read someone's blog the other day. She has a small child who is a month older than my little baby. She wrote about how she packed up her maternity jeans and was back in style with her human clothes.

I was super sick a few weeks ago and I lost a ton of weight because I didn't eat. That's why I'm nearly back to my pre-pregnancy weight, so I thought I would give it a shot. You know, try on those pre-pregnancy human jeans.

Bad idea.

I did every trick in the book. I jumped up and down to squeeze into them; I laid on my back with my legs in the air just praying that gravity would pull them down. Nothing worked. In the end, my jeans were barely pulled up past my knees.

Yeah, I got a little discouraged. But then I decided to try on one of my old skirts. You see, with skirts, I don't have to try to squeeze my thunder thighs into two little tubes. I can just give them a little room in a skirt. There is just one problem with wearing my pre-pregnancy skirts: the muffin top.

Tons of women that just gave birth have muffin tops. There are some exceptions like Heidi Klum who did a bikini runway show 4 weeks after giving birth. But let's face it, all that stretched out skin is hard to get rid of overnight.

Just when I was about to go into my deepest of depressions, I was reminded of a Seinfeld episode where Elaine talks about how much she loves muffin tops. Here's the link if you want to watch it.

Everyone loves a muffin top. Now I am ready to flaunt it around! Buyin' myself a bikini and heading to the beach! Boo ya!

There Just Isn't Enough Time in the Day Anymore

Wow has my life gotten packed with tons of stuff! I feel like there is just not enough time in the day to do everything that I want to do. I don't write "To Do" lists because I'm afraid I won't get everything done on my list, then I'll feel even more pathetic than I really am.

Why has life gotten so busy? Some may think it's because I have a new born baby and I'm going back to school with more homework than I've ever had. But you know what? I don't think that's the reason....

I know. It's netflix. Okay, netflix isn't even the problem. I'll tell you what it is. It's Monk. You know, the TV show. I'm addicted. I can't stop watching it.

It's like eating cheeze-its. You can't just have one cheeze-it and call it good. You need at least a handful. That's my problem with Monk. Can't just watch one episode. I have to watch... well, let's not get into numbers.

It's not even one of those shows where all the episodes are connected to each other. You know, where there is a cliff hanger at the end where you need to watch the next episode to find out what happens. Like Veronica Mars, or The Bachelor. I just really like the show and have to watch the next one.

Good news though. I'm halfway done with season seven. Just a few more episodes, then we're on to season 8, then I'll be done. Then I can get my life back.

Sounds pathetic? Yep. It is.

Yes, I Do Know The Smartest Person Alive

It's my brother.

No really; I think he really is the smartest person alive and here are just a few reasons why:

When my brother was in first or second grade, he came home and told my mom that he didn't like his teacher. Why? Because she wouldn't let him play the vocabulary game with the rest of the class because he would answer the question right before everyone else. I guess she didn't want the game to be all about Kevin.

He's the human google. I'm serious. And not just about a few select subjects, but about everything. We needed help the other day setting up our internet. Instead of reading directions, we just called Kevin and he knew how to do it step by step in great detail. See, human google. Investments? Call Kevin. You think you're sick? Call Kevin. What year did production of Captain Crunch start? Call Kevin. He knows it all.

Both my brother and I kinda play the violin. The first song I could play on the violin? Twinkle Twinkle Little Star (or the ABC song, you choose). Kevin's first song on the violin? Pachebel's Cannon in D Major. And I needed sheet music for my song...

My sister and I always make fun of my brother and how smart he is. Mostly because we are jealous. When my sister was a young toddler, she swallowed a bolt and was without oxygen for a while. To this day, we think Kevin secretly put it in her mouth so that she would lose major brain cells. Otherwise, she would be smarter than he. Definitely.

Thing People Love To Do, But Are Too Afraid To Admit It

I'm not afraid to admit things that I do that are gross or weird, but love to do. I've come up with a very short list, but I'm sure that YOU will side with me on every point that I hit.

This blog idea all started with one idea. Now, I am going to go into detail that might offend some people. (I know my mother will claim not to know me after this story) Okay, here's the story. I have been taking a lot of baths because that is what the doctor said all women that just gave birth need to do. Sitting, immersed in water, I love to pass a little gas. Now, I don't know where the pleasure comes from whether it's seeing the bubbles, feeling them massage my back as they come up, or just knowing that my bum bum will be totally clean before putting my undies back on, but it's enjoyable.

Now go take a bath. You will love it too.

Then there are other bodily functions that everyone loves. I mean, who doesn't love picking their nose? I even use to eat the little things when I picked them out. Now, using a tissue is high on my list, but I'll admit, I eat one every once and a while.

Popping zits! Another great past time. I even have found joy in popping my husband's zits. Thanks to my last mission companion, Morgan Tolman (currently Foutz), I even enjoy having other people pop my zits.

Then there are the facebook sins that nobody likes to admit. Now, I'm not just talking about facebook stalking. I think every single person with a facebook account is guilty of that. I'm talking about the real stuff nobody wants to admit. For example, looking up ex's. All of them- ex-crushes, ex-boyfriends, ex-best friends. You know, looking them up to see what they are up to to see if you are cooler than they are... Hmm... that sounds a little negative when I write it down. But when I am in the action of looking up an ex-friend to see if my child is cuter than theirs, it doesn't seem so bad.

How about the looking up people on facebook to see if you look better than they do? Again, that sounds so negative. But when I was feeling down on myself about the width of my butt when I was pregnant, I would just look on facebook to see if anyone had a quadruple chin or banana fingers to make me feel better about my appearance.

Wow, I sounds like a horrible person. I think I feel bad about admitting all that. That doesn't mean I'm going to delete what I already wrote. I'm just showing the true side of me. I hope I still have friends after this....

Now, if you have something that you love to do, but have never admitted it to anyone, shoot me a comment. I'm interested in what you have to say. Don't be afraid of sounding like a total witch after typing it. I'm sure it will trigger something horrible that I do to make you sound like less of an evil psychopath.

The Five Websites I Can't Live Without (And Probably Should Be Ashamed)

Every time I open up my computer, there are 5 websites that I am just drawn to. Right when I open up a new google chrome window, I just automatically go to these sites before I go online for what I actually need. I guess I don't go to each one every time, but pretty darn close.

Here, let me share the love in no particular order:

1. foxnews.com: I don't know why it's the Fox News that I love so much, but that's the one I go to first. I just love online news no matter what. I hate watching news on TV because I feel like I have to watch 30 minutes of news when all I want to hear is one or two interesting stories. Therefore, I go online. I'm all about paperless things, so newspaper doesn't even cut it for me.

2. facebook.com: Many more mature people dis facebook. Either I'm immature or... I can't think of an or. Guess immature it is. I find facebook actually a very good tool. That is the way that I keep up with all the people that I taught in Taiwan, it's how I find out about mission reunions, old high school friends, and even school assignments. I love typing a question in my status that I am too lazy to google or need an opinion on and withing minutes, someone is there to share their thoughts. I think it's a great tool. Don't like it when people update their status constantly so that everyone and their dog knows what they're doing. There are some people that become a little too into it spending hours a day. I'll admit, when I was really sick and didn't move off my couch, facebook was up on my screen. But hey, I was sick.

3. coupons.com: I've posted before about how i love I am with coupons. Shall I reiterate? LOVE THEM! Boo ya! And I save more money that you do.

4. hotmail.com: I check my junk e-mail more often than my real one. Want to know why? All the coupon deals I get. There is a lot of baby info sent to me too. Granted, I only read like a quarter of those e-mails, but they're good.

5. blogspot.com: I don't know why I love blogging so much. I guess part of it is because blogging is my friend that I like to talk to while John is at work, or just complaining that I want to do. What I love more than writing blogs is reading them. Love my sister's blog, but she rarely updates it. It irritates me, but she claims her life is too boring to update it more than once a month. There is one blog that I obsessively check even though it shows up on my blog updates when she writes on it. You know who it is? Yeah, that's right: Keltzie Smith. Hands down the best blog that I read. She's HILARIOUS! Shout out to Keltzie. She makes ANYTHING funny. For example, she wrote a blog on marshmallows. Honestly, I thought in my mind after reading the title, mallows? What could be interesting about that? However I read it several times and laughed about each time. Anyway, Keltz, you're the bomb and you need to update your blog daily because you're that good!

That's all. Pretty pathetic eh?

PS I also love youtube clips of The Ellen D show.

9 Months, 9 Months: I'm A Completely Different Person

John and I have known each other for 18 months. That's right, 18 months. I'm not saying that we've been married 18 months, or even dating 18 months, but we've known each other for 18 months. Actually, we pretty much were dating for 18 months because we got together rather quickly after meeting each other. And why not? He has an adorable bald spot and I am just fun to be around. We were sure to get together anyway.

Now, if you haven't done the math already in your head, let me break it down for you. We have known each other for 18 months minus 9 months that I was pregnant equals 9 months not being pregnant. That's right: John has known me for 9 months not being pregnant and 9 months being pregnant. We knew each other 7 months before we got married, and two months later, I go pregnant.

I honestly have to say, I am a completely different person. I noticed this just days after giving birth. As you may have already noticed by many of my complaining blogs, I am not a very good pregnant lady. In fact, most of the time, I just complained and complained about everything being painful or being negative about something. Post pregnancy changed a lot of things. I still have all those hormones, but things have changed and let me tell you what:

I enjoy eating now. I can actually eat. Food has flavor. I'm not grumpy all the time; I don't have to pee every 45 minutes, driving is enjoyable without a big belly in the way, not every single person gets on my nerves; I actually have the desire to cook, the list goes on and on!

Mostly it's my mood that has made the big difference. I don't know how John was so supportive because I would have ignored me with that type of attitude. In fact, here's a story:

We went to the hospital yesterday to go see the lactation specialist. Surprisingly, my friend was there with her baby waiting to see the same lady. Along comes a guy from my ecology class whose wife also just had a baby and they were in the recovery area. He came walking out to get something to eat. He also knew my friend and her husband. I said hi and reminded him that I was the girl in his ecology class that didn't like him. (It's a joke. He would always answer questions first in class for quizzes that we had. I didn't like him because I was jealous he always got the first question) Well, obviously he remembered my dislike for me because there was very little communication between us. I turned to John and said, "I think I made a lot of enemies while I was pregnant". It's true. I did. Many people annoyed me and I was not afraid to let them know.

Maybe I should apologize to the people that I offended. Hmm, but maybe there are too many to count.

Now that John and I have been through the 9 month pregnancy phase, we are starting to count the days that he knows me as a non-pregnant lady. Let's face it, I am a completely different person. And thankfully for John, I am no longer pregnant.

Childbirth: The Pain, The Swearing, and A Beautiful Baby

I gave birth to a small child last week. It was quite the experience. Just for me to remember everything and for you to enjoy gruesome details, I thought that I would write the whole story down. Now, just to warn you, I don't hold back on the nasty details, so if you have a weak stomach, maybe this entry might not be the best blog entry for you to read.

To this day, I swear that the due date they told me was 2 weeks later than the real due date. So as my fake due date was approaching, I was the grumpiest woman alive. All I wanted was for the baby to come out and all I could do was constantly complain about it. On my last appointment with my doc, I asked if I could be induced thinking that he wouldn't let me unless there was a medical reason. He said, sure, pick a date. The next thing I know, we were scheduled to go in the following Tuesday.

Monday was my due date and the most miserable day of my life. Then I had to wait until Tuesday night at 8:30 before I could be induced. I called and texted almost everyone that I knew to complain just so that they would all know how miserable I was. Now, I would like to apologize. I'm sorry. It was a moment of weakness and I will try to never do that again.

Tuesday came and I called the hospital in the morning to check and make sure that the appointment was there and that there was plenty of room for me. They said, there probably will be, but I should call back at 6 to make sure. I was a little on edge after that, but still okay.

Then in the afternoon, I got a text message that said that my dear friend Jessica who was due at the end of the month was now a new mommy. I was so irritated that I still didn't have my child and she had hers. Don't worry, I'm not mad now that I have my kid, but boy, that was the last thing that I wanted to hear.

Six, on the dot, I called again to ask them if there was room for me. You know what they had the audacity to say! NO! They said they would call me when a room was free. I was devastated! I just wanted to go into labor and have the kid in the hallway. That would have satisfied me. Then to top that all off, my mom said, "Maybe Jessica stole your room". Not something that I wanted to hear.

Then at 8:28 I was blogging, on this blog in fact, comparing finding out that there really was no Santa to finding out that I couldn't give birth that night. Total devastation. Then the hospital called and told me to come right in because they were ready for me! Off we went.

When I got there, they hooked me up to everything and the nurse said that my contractions were 3 minutes apart, too close together to give me the induction medicine they were planning on giving me. I most likely would have had to go to the hospital that night anyway. However, at 11:30 they gave me pitocin just to speed things up. Pop in that Ambien sleeping pill, and I was out for the night.

Except for at 2 AM when Law and Order SVU came on.

6 AM and the doc came in to break my water. Lovely experience until 3 minutes later when the contractions started. I didn't cry, but that is when the pain and the swearing came in. I begged for the epidural and an hour later, they stabbed me and I was in heaven. I still felt the contraction in the front on my right side, but it was way better than before so I didn't complain.

The epidural made me really sleepy. I was knocked out until 9 when the doc came in to check me. He said I was fully dilated and it was push time! The nurse got the room ready and by 9:25, I was pushing my heart out.

About 20 minutes into pushing, I noticed that my back started hurting when the contractions came on. I told the nurse and she said that it was just pressure and nothing else. I believed her at the time, but 45 minutes into pushing was a whole different story.

My epidural completely kicked out! I don't know how since there is suposta be a constant stream of some drug into my body. Well, it didn't. I was in so much pain. Even more than when I got the epidural. That was the moment that I swore I would NEVER attempt natural child birth.

I guess the nurse didn't believe me or something. She said that was normal. Well, it was a lie. They called in the anesthesiologist again and she gave me another dose. Ten 10 minutes later she asked if I was still in pain and wanted more medicine. I just nodded because at that time I was hurting so much talking was just not an option. Five minutes after the second round of drugs was administered, I couldn't feel a thing.

It was around 11:30 by then. Nearly an hour of pushing without pain, then an hour with contractions from hell, then my last hour I couldn't feel a single thing. In fact, I had absolutely NO control over my lower body. It reminded me of the movie What Lies Beneath with Harrison Ford when he tries to kill his wife. Luckily, Harrison Ford had no access to my hospital room. I thought that my legs were bent for pushing, but they were super straight. Every time it came time to push, John and the nurse would have to lift up my legs.

Then at 12:15 the doctor came in. By that time, I had already been pushing for 2 hours 45 minutes. I was tired, but the epidural made me so tired that I would sleep between each contraction, so that's how I got my rest.

I had been pushing for so long without any progress that they decided to vacuum the kid out. They only had one concern: the baby had so much hair that they were afraid the vacuum would not stick making pulling the baby out a little harder. They tried anyway.

Turns out they were right. Not only were they right, but they put the vacuum on the baby's head and started to pull. When the vacuum lost suction, it sprayed blood everywhere. John learned an important lesson that day: don't wear nice clothes to the hospital when your wife is giving birth. We still haven't been able to get that stain out.

At 12:31 PM our little baby Olivia arrived. I was so happy, not that it was over, but that I was finally able to hold my little baby. The doctor did all the sewing up, but I couldn't care less. I just couldn't stop looking at my beautiful baby girl.

I asked the doctor if I could take a picture of the placenta and make it my facebook profile picture. He said that I could not only take a picture of it, but I could also take it home if I wanted to. I excitingly said "heck yes". I guess the nurse actually thought I wanted to take it home because she was ready to pack it up for me when she was cleaning the room. As lovely as it would be to keep my placenta, I decided a better place for it was in the trash.

That's my delivery story. A little long, but I think it is more for my benefit than for yours. I really enjoyed reading my friend Mackenzie's delivery story, so maybe someone will find my semi-interesting.

Now the post pregnancy pain: not bad. Sore private parts, uterus pain, and hemorrhoids, but what lady doesn't have those things after giving birth?

Here's the link to our family blog to see pictures. Oh, and please comment. I love getting compliments on my child.